Imperfect Jobs In The Perfect World

essay

Elephant Jockey- Walks behind animal in a parade to keep the path clear. This fella (see his legs there?) was walking a little TOO close to his pachyderm, who was evidently allergic to the fajitas from last night.

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Today I answer one oft-asked question about the Perfect World-- if it's so perfect, who's going to do all the bizarre and disgusting jobs which NEED to be done?

Thanks for your question, SoylentgreenisME27. Here's the answer-- I hope you can still hear it.

First, there are always going to be people who will do things other people will not. I can't be certain if that's nature or nurture, or a little of both, but many jobs you could not THINK of applying for are done quite contentedly by others. For example, people who seek to become doctors will do many things that are considered revolting by most people, and yet have little problem doing them, probably because they see the big picture, and know this research will help advance science and humanity.

Second, many jobs are done by hand today because the research and development involved in making machinery to perform them would be cost prohibitive. In the Perfect World, money is not an issue, and researchers who are hungering for challenges will find wonderful solutions because there is nothing impeding progress.

That answer may seem like a cop-out, but understand the question is a general one. A good example of labor-saving research that found a practical development is the Roomba, an automatic vacuum cleaner which uses computer software to make a daily run over every square inch of floor surface. That's one less mindless task a human needs to perform to maintain cleanliness in their home.

In one of my sci-fi stories I mount a track in the ceiling of a home that travels a complete loop around every spot in the house. Attached to the track is a metal box. Within the box is a robotic arm, and a wide variety of attachments. Its job is to runs the household completely; cleaning, cooking, straightening up, mopping the floors, pushing the vacuum, taking out the garbage, cleaning up after the animals, helping little Johnny get dressed, feeding the fish, finding your keys... in short, anything which can be programmed into the software or observed by the sensors. Since the R&D for robotic arms was carried out at great expense over years by many manufacturing corporations, this is one product which could find its way onto the shelves in a decade or two!

Or how about an automatic, GPS driven ditch digger-- it could make short and easy work of a laborious manual task or even a time-consuming machine-operated job.

Each 'disgusting' job would have to be looked at separately. While this is by no means a complete list, here are some solutions for a random assortment of jobs I would NEVER want to have:

Armpit Sniffer - Works for companies that make deodorant and checks the effectiveness.

[The gas company has had an electronic sniffer that finds odors for at least 20 years. In the Perfect World I see this job being given to machines. The same is true for these other jobs:]

Breath Odor Evaluator- For gum or mouthwash manufacturers.

Dog Sniffer- Analyzes dog’s breath to test effect of diet on teeth. Breath is categorized as sweaty, salty, musty, fungal or decaying.

Egg Smeller- To check for spoilage.

Paper Towel Sniffer- To make sure it is odorless before, during and after use.

Gastroenterologist- A specialist who determines medical symptoms in the odor of flatulence.

Barker- Attempts to attract patrons to entertainment by exhorting passing public, shouting out attractions of the show to incite listeners to attend.

[This job will be phased out when the act of competition is.]

Barnyard Masturbator- Collects semen for insemination purposes using an electric probe in the animal’s rectum, an artificial vagina or by manual stimulation.

[It's in the Perfect World philosophy to reduce world population to about a billion, and to make our diets healthier. Meat isn't eliminated, just reduced, with an average portion size of about an ounce. With lesser demand for beef, the cows can go back to fucking for fun. That eliminates these jobs too:]

Chicken Sexer- Sorts through baby chicks to determine if they’re male or female.

Orangutan Urine Collector- Analyzes to study factors that effect reproduction.

Brain Picker- Trims meat, glands, and organs for use in meat products or medicine.

Chicken Dresser- Slaughters and dresses fowl in preparation for marketing.

[Maybe it's me, but these jobs don't sound that bad-- how many times have you bought a whole chicken instead of parts to save money, then had to cut it up yourself?]

Carcass Cleaner- By immersing body in boiling chemicals, placing maggots on the carcass, or hand-scaling the leftover flesh.

Diener- Prepare corpses for the pathologist before autopsies are performed in hospitals.

[Again, we're talking doctors here... NOTHING medical is digusting to them]

Dysentery Stool-Sample Analyzer- Explanation mercifully omitted.

[A necessary job until we eliminate dysentery... let's get that drinking water CLEAN, people!]

Gold Reclaimer- Scours old teeth for gold fillings and melts them into gold pellets which are sold to jewelers.
[Okay, who even has gold in their teeth anymore? Except for rappers, I mean...]

Golf Ball Diver- Those who can find 3,000 balls a day can make $50K to $100K a year. They have to comb the mucky bottom with their bare hands.

[Wouldn't you imagine that the Perfect World would design a golf ball that floats?]

Gum Buster- Scrapes gum from any surface using a steaming tool.

[Already sounds Perfect Worldy.]

Hair Boiler - Boils various kinds of animal hair until it curls for later use.

[The thought of that curls MY hair!]

Hazardous Waste Cleanup Crew - Cleans up chemical spills, sewage, mold, asbestos, and crime scenes.

[That's a job that is just pleading for robotic help]

Knife-Thrower’s Assistant- Involves a considerable degree of bravery.

[These kinds of jobs are discouraged because a little thing called common sense. Use balloons.]

Porta-potty Servicer- Explanation mercifully omitted.

Manure Inspector - Wade through farming manure, inspecting to make sure it’s free from contaminants.

[The Perfect World will have an automated system to turn feces into manure, along with testing, so people won't have to]

Ocularist- Paints artificial eyes.

[Again, not a particularly nauseating job... unless it's done in the socket...]

Semen Washer- Determines sperm count, then adds preservatives and freezes them for in vitro fertilization.

[Because we don't have enough people already...]

Snake Venom Collector- High attrition rate. Even higher death rate.

[Now there's a job that screams for automation!]

Tampon Tester- Checks for absorbency and cord strength. Most testers check up to 125 pieces per day, by hand.

[As a male, I will let that one go unanswered for now. I'll get the female Perfect World perspective soon, I'm sure.]

Worm Picker- Must be done by hand, and must find 8000 per day to make $50K yearly.

[Shouldn't there be worm farms for that sort of thing?]

This is just a small sampling of some esoteric and repellant jobs available today, but none so horrifying as the ones we have today which dehumanize people, turning them into simplistic fools performing brainless work.

Should Perfect World Theory take hold, and I'm betting our survival that it must, many of our most populous jobs will disappear-- accountants, IRS people, bookkeepers, cash register makers, meter maids, cops, lawyers, judges, bailiffs, politicians, salesmen, advertising people, billboard makers and changers... the list goes on and on. These jobs hold together the system we've put in place-- change the system, lose the jobs.

No system is perfect, including Perfect World. There will always be terrible occupations that need to be done. The motivation in PW will be in identifying and modifying those jobs to reduce or eliminate their awfulness. But whether it is possible to do that with every job or not is irrelevant-- the whole structure of PW is designed to promote worldwide maturity. In a world like that, whatever needs to be done, WILL be done. It's that simple.

Copyright 2009 Bruce Ian Friedman