The Rich Won't Go Down Easy

essay

Let's see... in the Perfect World you are guaranteed:

A wonderful place to live;

Free top-notch health care;

Free delicious food;

Pampering when you need it;

An occupation you truly enjoy;

The access to do anything you can think of;

As much sex as you care to indulge in;

People who LISTEN;

Vacations when you want them;

Smart conversations with intelligent people;

In short, a life worth living.

In other words, everything which is currently available to people with vast storehouses of money. I can see why the wealthy would have no desire to see this world come about. After all, look at what they would have to give up:

No abuse of the underclass;

No irrational wasting of resources;

No servants;

No point to constant leisure;

Nothing to lord over your fellow man;

No slumming;

And I'm sure I could think up more if I actually had money.

If I were a person of vast wealth, I would probably HATE the idea of a society where we were all truly the same; where I couldn't order people around to do my bidding; where I would HAVE to engage in occasional physical work in order to do my part as part of a whole...

As a matter of fact, I would imagine that whichever secret society of the ultra rich that is responsible for deciding the fate of the planet would be working overtime to PREVENT the Perfect World from occurring. Not because it is unsustainable (it isn't) or because it eliminates possessions (it does), but because it equalizes humanity. In the Perfect World you could live in a palace if that is what you desired, but not endlessly; at some point someone else would like to live in that palace and you would need to move on, because we all share in the dream.

What is the point of being rich if you can't have whatever it is you would like, whenever you would like it? How have you even succeeded if you can't crush people and climb their broken backs to reach an apple on the low branch?

The rich are not all like that, of course... but a large number of them ARE, and it is because of the nature of success in this nation that such a thing even occurs. It is very difficult to reach truly awesome wealth without stealing it, legally or otherwise, from large numbers of people. You have to turn off your compassion and eliminate your empathy so the emotion doesn't cripple you while you watch these people's lives being turned to shit because of you. You need to be singularly selfish and greedy if you want to create vast wealth for yourself.

The few people who have received such wealth without following the traditional path have had it handed to them (inheritance) or have benefitted from the Internet boom, whereby a tremendous number of people can purchase your relatively reasonable product with little or no effort on your part, and without ruining people's lives. In either case you have skipped over the normal procedure of theft-- lucky you. Now you qualify to be in the rarified company of the world's most selfish and greedy thieves; you are among the most emotionless and self-serving humans ever created.

Once again I repeat... only SOME rich are that way... the rest keep quiet and look the other way.

The ironic thing is-- if the rich were, as a collective whole, to get on board with the idea of creating a perfect world, they would have the power to make it happen virtually overnight! No waiting for human decency to mature, no cajoling the fence-sitters! I can imagine it now...

•-------------•

(We are in a tremendous underground hall, opulent and swank. Hundreds of large banquet tables hosting thousands of well-dressed people adorn the polished marble floor, all facing the stage, which looks like a scene from God's courtroom. There is an enormous marble stairway downstage, which rises high and far out of sight. A speck appears at the top, slowly getting larger until we can see an official-looking little man in a powdered wig descending slowly, purposefully, finally stopping at the dais. He snaps on a pair of reading glasses and clears his throat...)

Moderator Slave: Good people, good people! Please come to order for this, the two-thousand-and-ninth annual meeting of the Society of Human Gods On Earth, the venerable Bill Gates presiding...

Gates: I shall be referred to as WILLIAM by the likes of you, moderator slave! (snaps fingers) Security slaves! Squash this slave into a twelve inch clear box and mount it on the podium!

Moderator Slave: Oh, dear!

Gates: Just kidding, old chap! (whispers to security) Make it a fifteen inch clear box... and try not to break anything off. (normal voice) Welcome, fellow Gods! We have a full meeting today... let's get right to business, shall we? (raps the gavel) I always wanted to do that!

(murmuring quiets)

Gates: Welcome, esoteric few! First, announcements. We have a few new members! Everyone knows and fears our first inductee. The heinous act he committed to gain entry into our club was a killa! He was able to divert a 'small' amount of money, I think 10 billion dollars, from the US Treasury into a managerial fund, which then just 'disappeared'! (Gates snickers) Priceless! Welcome Darth Vader-- I mean, Dick Cheney! Raise your hand so everyone can see you, Dick! Dick Cheney, folks!

(scattered applause) Try not to kill anyone, Dick! (appreciative laughter) And you'll all recognize his pet, Dubya. Up off the floor, boy... let's get a look at ya! That's a nice leash, Dick! What's it made of... Barbara's hair? (more laughter)

Bush: (looking a little confused) Heh- heh heh heh heh-heh...

Cheney: Thank you, Bill! As a token of my appreciation, I'd like to take you Quayle hunting one day! Heh heh!

Gates: (uncomfortably) Yes, well... AHEM! We welcome another honoree today, who has the distinction of being in three minorities at once! Please give a round of applause for Oprah Winfrey, who is not only a successful WOMAN, but an AFRICAN AMERICAN at that!

Winfrey: You said three minorities, Gates... what's the third?

Gates: Oh! Well, you've also got a beard.

Winfrey: What choo talkin about, Billis? My face is clean shaven!

Gates: I'm not talking about your 5 o'clock shadow, she-man! I'm talking about that ropesmoker Stedman!

Winfrey: (laughing) You got me, Bill! I'm standing on him right now! (Stedman weakly waves from under the table) But thank you for adding me to your collection of high powered runabouts and ne'er-do-wells. (to the audience) You should all look under your seats, folks... (singsong) I gave everyone a JEW-ISH LAW-YER! (people all pull rumpled, bespectacled attorneys out from under their seat cushions. There's a general murmur of approval)

Gates: You still got it, Oprah! Of course I'm talking about your huge ass.

Winfrey: Why thank you, you old charmer! I'd give you a taste, but I'm afraid your MICRO-SOFT dick would FREEZE like your computers do!

Gates: Yes. Umm. Well, lastly I'm forced... I mean CHARMED, to present our last newcomer, a man who owns half of New York City but can't find a decent rugmaker, a man whose face looks like it is perpetually sucking on a lemon, a man whose garish taste in decorating is transcended only by his ruttish ability as a lovemaker, please welcome Donald Trump.

Trump: (in brash New Yawkish) I own dis banquet hawl, and yaw rent is goin' WAY up! HAW HAW! Jes kiddin'... not really! Thanks for havin' me, jerks! My gift to yoo awls is also unda ya seat... it's a passkey to my private freeway under New Yawk! The entrance ramps are at any drive-thru Kenny Rogers chicken place-- nobody's who's ever eaten there has a car, so they don't know nuttin'! HAW HAW! It goes straight to the Hamptons, with one exit to Atlantic City and another to my mudder's place in Weehauken.

Gates: Newcomers, pick up your gift bags at the coat check after the meeting. I think each of you were given, among other goodies, a tropical island. Trump, I'm hoping yours is the one they shoot 'Lost' on (crowd laughs; Trump grimaces... or smiles, nobody can tell which). On to the main business. (Fiddles with his Microsoft electronic glasses, which short out with a ZZZZT! Scowling, he squints and reads from a transcript) I have a proposal here from the president of the United States, which is in response to an overwhelming show of support from the United States people.

Steve Jobs: 'Overwhelming', Gates? Are you sure you're not just referring to Mac's sales numbers? Or the number of unsatisfied Microsoft users? (audience chuckles) What kind of numbers are we talking about, anyway?

Gates: Sit down, Jobs. Your Earth shoes are tipping you backward. (Jobs falls. Gates turns to the crowd) The numbers are considerable. Over 250 million positive votes for this amendment in the United States alone. (numerous whistles coming from the crowd) 5 billion worldwide.

Ross Perot: Well, whadda they want, boy? If I know Amurricans, I bet they want sumthin' stupid, like to vote in a new official flavor of ice cream, like my own favorite, pickled squash, or maybe a new official food for baseball games honoring the players... like the taco, or the eggroll! Speak up! I'm all ears!

Gates: Well listen up, Dumbo. Americans want to scrap the capitalist system.

(silence descends upon the hall like a thick blanket of doom)

Gates: Yeah, they've figured out that it's designed to be an all-or-nothing MLM, and we're at the top.

Rupert Murdoch: Crikey!

David Geffen: Oh, I've GOT to sit down... I'm getting the vapors!

Gates: And that's not all... they've figured out how to take it all away from us!

(shocked cries)

Gates: They're doing all their buying at mom and pop stores!

Jim Walton: My left side is numb! I think it's my Mart! (falls to the ground, clutching his wallet)

Giorgio Armani: Oh, deah! I only sell to top shops! Whatever am I to do?

Gates: And they've stopped buying name brands!

(Armani crumples, whimpering)

Warren Buffett: (coarse whisper) And th-the stock m-m-market?

Gates: They pulled all their money from it. All. (A terrified keening comes from the audience. Dick Cheney pulls out a shotgun and blows off Gordon Getty's gonads)

Cheney: Shaddup, ya coward.

William Hilton: (saucer-eyed) Wh- what about vacations? Resorts?

Gates: Camping.

Hilton: NOOOOOOO! (sobs into his caviar, sending his million-dollar lobster bisque crashing to the floor)

Michael Bloomberg: (panicky) We can regulate! We can enact laws! We can tax!

Gates: (shaking his head) We can't! The cops, the accountants and IRS workers-- they're all in on it!

George Lucas: (wild eyed) I got it! We'll distribute a movie about this very scenario... and the world blows up as a result!

Gates: They're only watching Internet TV shows!

David Rockefeller: That's great! You can turn on that fail-safe you put in all your computers to show what we WANT them to see!

Gates: (sorrowfully) I DID. They just turned to their iPhones instead!

Jobs: (sobbing from the floor) I KNEW I should have put a fail-safe in my products! Wozniak kept pooh-pooing the idea!

Gates: Well, he IS one of THEM, after all.

Richard Branson: I don't know about you all, but I have a space ship ready to launch for Mars! Buh-BYE, suckers! (races to one wall of the great hall and hits a remote. A curtain opens and a small ship is revealed. He jumps in and takes off, filling the hall with acrid black smoke.)

Gates: (coughing) I wonder if he knows Mars has an extremely thin atmosphere...

Jobs: (sobs) We've been sucking in the rarified air of our exalted positions so long, I'll bet it's plenty enough for him! (wailing) Why didn't I also get into transportation! Waaaa!

(there's general pandemonium as billionaires run in circles, followed by their rumpled and litigious attorneys. Eventually the smoke clears and things quiet down)

Gates: Come to order! We still have to vote on the proposition. All in favor of scrapping capitalism in favor of a new system called... (he adjusts his glasses and peers at the page) Perfect... World? What the hell is that?

(the Moderator Slave speaks from the 15" clear box on the dais. We can hear him but can only guess where his face might be...)

Slave: (loudly) It's a system which will put all people on a level playing field, where people will be trained to work to their natural born strengths, where competition and one-upsmanship will have no place; where money will be dissolved in favor of a World Family style of living. (he pauses) It's Eden, sir. (crackling comes from the box) My spine!

(His words echoed throughout the great underground hall, and passed into silence. A dropping pin was heard. Then, muffled sobs and screams began, along with keening wails of agony. Shouts of 'My money! My stuff!' could be heard as the realization of this new living style began to sink in. A few members were trying to hide their money by keistering wads of hundred dollar bills)

Gates: (woodenly) All in favor? (Another dropped pin was heard) Will someone get a bag for Armani's pins, please! (repeats) All in favor? Anybody? Okay then... all against?

(A thunderous shout emanated from the main floor) NO!

Gates: (relieved) The motion fails! Okay people, come to order! It's time to assemble your armies and squelch the worldwide rebellion!

Walton: Have you forgotten, man? The armies are made of people. POOR people! They're not going to listen to us!

Gates: Time to unveil the secret plan! (he pushes a large red button on the podium. A section of the stage begins to rise, and a cylinder filled with smoke rose up from the floor. It stops, then opens with a WHOOSH. There's a man inside. No, not exactly a man. Out steps Arnold Schwarzenegger, emotionless. He's wearing a black leather jacket and shades, and is carrying an Uzi in each hand) We don't use HUMAN soldiers-- a promising new startup company called Skynet has built an army of ROBOTIC soldiers! It's time, Arnold. (Gates steps out of the way as Arnold lurches forward)

Schwarzenegger: (looking like the Terminator robot but speaking like Arnold the governator) Yah, it's ti-yum to call my metal brodders and sisters and rise up to squash da rebellion. We going to start in de great state of Cal-ee-for-nee-ya, wit da pacifists and da therapists and da vegetarians and put dem on a boat to Sweden. An den we sink da boat, ha-ha! Terminators, march!

(To a unit, all the lawyers Oprah gave to the audience stand up, rip off their clothes, and then their skin, to reveal thousands of scary metal robots that walk as one out of the hall and off to do Arnold's bidding)

Gates: Meeting adjourned. May heaven help us.

•-------------•

Absurd? Sure... I GUESS. I mean, who really thinks the wealthy will just roll over and allow the world to implement a system which makes them dinosaurs? I sure don't.

The point is, the wealthy and powerful aren't going to stand idly by and wait for the Perfect World to take root, because it represents a great threat to them. What good is being powerful if there is nobody who respects that power? If PW is to flourish it has to be propelled by the widest base of humanity, the NON-rich, and since it promises the creation of an idyllic society it would likely be extremely popular movement.

We had better be on our guard when the money and power holders notice that the theory has become a movement and is spreading wide; because their efforts to stop it will be legendary. Either that or they'll all decide to take over Australia and rename it Wealthonia, a place which will be last bastion for their corrupt Capitalist way of living.

And just to be spiteful... they'll keep all the kangaroos.

Copyright 2009 Bruce Ian Friedman