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Two Moms at a Girl's Soccer Game
Tina: Kick it Glynnis, kick it! Ahhhh! So close! Nice try, sweetheart!
Arlene: That girl of yours is a powerhouse!
Tina: Then why hasn't she gotten one ball past your daughter?
Arlene: True, true... they're both quite good. But frankly, I hope Cloud doesn't end up as a soccer player. Hi, I'm Arlene.
Tina: Tina. You wouldn't be happy with an athlete for a child?
Arlene: Sure... but it's a tough life out there in the real world.
Tina: You got that right. But that's why I'd love it!
Arlene: Really? Why?
Tina: Well, first she has to become one of the top players, but if she can, she'll be set for life. Fame, money, status... she'll be beloved by millions.
Arlene: That's a rosy scenario you've just painted. Don't forget to fill it out with reality. She'll also be despised by millions of fans for the other teams. Her body will be in ruins after years of abuse, and she might never produce grandchildren for you. And that's only if she's one of the top! Not to be negative of course. Great stop, Cloudy!
Arlene: Of course. No grandkids, huh? That's not good. It's all I think about. What would you have your child do?
Arlene: I don't know. I've read up on societies all around the world and there are precious few that treat the average woman with any kind of respect. If my daughter isn't famous, rich or beautiful she's gonna have a tough time of it... unless she marries well.
Tina: Not in this country, though. We strive for equality, don't we?
Arlene: On the face of it and when times are good... then yes. But I would hate to think of what a tough economy would throw at her if she were not part of the elite. And what if she were below average? There are lots of homeless women.
Tina: You're making me weep! Surely you'd step in with assistance to help your own child? Go, go Glynnis!
Arlene: Of course I would... if I could. As we age our options decrease, and if our prosperity is not guarded closely we could be left destitute, unable to care even for ourselves. There are no good, permanent safety nets in our country, Tina.
Tina: Well, safety nets are tied into taxation, Arlene, and everybody tries to avoid paying taxes, after all.
Arlene: In a money-based society that's certainly true.
Tina: What other kinds of societies are there?
Arlene: Current societies? None, really. But I've been reading about one which, if it ever came to pass, might be exactly what humanity needs.
Tina: Wow. What makes it so good?
Arlene: It's not based on money.
Tina: Oh, communism! It exists, Arlene. It just doesn't work. Run kiddo run run run run!
Arlene: Not communism, though I agree with you-- communism doesn't work. No, this system also operates without leadership or political structure. No mayors, congressmen or special interests.
Tina: Fascism? Isn't that just a society which runs at the point of a gun?
Arlene: Fascism is... this one isn't. The author calls it a 'World Family'. At its heart is the premise that all humans must be treated well. Any other behavior, he claimed, damages the collective psyche of humanity. To that end, the World Family is truly run by the individuals, as a collective, which also means that there are no lethal weapons of any kind in that society. It would be like pointing a gun at our own children. Block! Block! Yeah, Cloud!
Tina: Crazy talk.
Arlene: Indeed.
Tina: So how does a society with no money incentivize work?
Arlene: Some background: According to the author, the chief products in a society such as this will be tangible. Food, housing, merchandise for living and pleasure, and the maintenance of it all. Scientific discovery will move into high gear, and so will art and entertainment. Most other businesses will be phased out. That equals more people for fewer jobs, which means lower hours per person. Directed placement will match jobs with innate talents, so that each person works at a job they like. Freely given housing, food, education and healthcare eases all forms of stress. Eliminating junk products frees up resources, as does comprehensive recycling, and guarantees that there will be enough of everything for everybody.
Tina: Sounds perfect. Now... how do we get from where we are to a World Family? Kick it, Glynnis! Kick it!
Arlene: Well, that's the rub now, isn't it? Our society has now drifted into mega-Capitalism, in which the few eventually get everything, leaving the bulk of humanity destitute. It's an unsustainable system and is doomed to fail, with the masses eventually fighting head-to-head with the armies of the rich. After the dust settles, any system has a chance at success, depending on the power backing. World Family is not a power-based system-- it's people-based. Only mass organization can bring it to fruition after a meltdown. It's better to plant the seeds now, before the implosion, while mass organization is possible using the Internet. But as I'm sure you're aware, the people who have everything-- the rich and the powerful-- would view this as a major step down and would fight it with every inch of their bottomless reserve. World Family is based on trust and honesty which barely exists. Both of those have been supplanted, to our great disadvantage, by the contract and the courtroom.
Tina: So we're doomed, then?
Arlene: Looks that way.
Tina: In that case, the first Cosmo is on me. Score! Score! Score!
Arlene: You're on. Good effort, Cloud!
Customer in a Bar
Customer: Hey, bartender!
Bartender: What's up?
Customer: Can we kick off the TV? It's annoying as hell.
Bartender: I like to leave it on for the customers.
Customer: What customers? Look around-- I'm the only one left.
Bartender: Well... okay then.
Customer: Thanks. I didn't want to hear about that crap anymore anyway. All day and night. Boy, once they latch onto a story they shake it like a dog with a bone.
Bartender: Who, MSNBC?
Customer: Any of them! All of them! The whole damned business is like that.
Bartender: It's how they make a buck... sensationalism.
Customer: I remember when it wasn't like that. They used to just tell us the news. International, national, local and then sports. No flashy graphics, no pretty talking heads.
Bartender: Sounds like crap. Who'd wanna watch that 24-7?
Customer: Nobody. That's why they only showed the news twice a day, at 6 and again at 10, for half an hour each.
Bartender: That's it?
Customer: That's it.
Bartender: Just the facts?
Customer: And nothing else. None of this innuendo or doublespeak. No talking points. No selective reporting.
Bartender: Actually sounds better. Wonder why they stopped?
Customer: It wasn't profitable.
Bartender: I can imagine.
Customer: Plus, someone figured out a way to make the news entertaining.
Bartender: How did they do that?
Customer: They set scientists on the problem.
Bartender: What kind of scientists?
Customer: Psychologists and sociologists, mostly. The people who study human behavior individually and in groups.
Bartender: What did they find out?
Customer:
As it turns out, even back then most people were sheep. They followed the pack without reservation. They liked looking at pretty people, they liked seeing shiny colors. They wanted movement on the screen. And worst of all...
Bartender: What? What?
Customer: Sound bites.
Bartender: Sound bites?
Customer: Sound bites. People wanted everything tied up into nice little packages. They didn't want to have to see all the gritty edges and loose ends of a complex situation. They wanted it all tied up in a box with a bow, easily digested, so they didn't have to think too hard.
Bartender: What's wrong with that?
Customer: What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? Everything, that's what!
Bartender: Why?
Customer: That's when the scientists learned they could tell the audience whatever they wanted. As long as it was presented in a neat and tidy package, they wouldn't question it. That's when they started to lie to us.
Bartender: Whoa.
Customer: Whoa indeed. And once they realized they could lie and get away with it regularly, then followed an even worse behavior!
Bartender: Worse? Worse than lying?
Customer: Much worse. That's when they began to manipulate the public and change the course of human events, bending it to the whim of--
Bartender: Who? Who would lie to an entire nation?
Customer: World. An entire world.
Bartender: Who would do it? I have to know!
Customer: Short answer... the elite few super rich.
Bartender: Those bastards!
Customer: No lie. When media outlets began being owned by fewer and fewer corporations, the CEO's began requiring that all of their news reporters stress certain 'facts' more than others. So most news anchors in most markets used the same terminology to describe certain actions, coloring those actions in the minds of the viewers.
Bartender: How?
Customer: As an example, we know that Pluto is no longer a planet, right?
Bartender: Poor Pluto.
Customer: Er, of course. And it was scientists who made this decision to downgrade Pluto. Well, let's say that because of this, the CEO thinks the viewers should begin to mistrust scientists. He or she tells their reporters to call the action a 'flip-flop', to make the scientists seem weak and inept.
Bartender: Isn't it?
Customer: No. Science is in the business of acquiring new facts. Sometimes the new facts cause scientists to amend information which was formerly thought to be complete. That's not a flip-flop. That's a change of mind based on new, factual data, and scientists are happy when it occurs, because it's one more piece of the puzzle that's been figured out.
Bartender: So that's not a flip-flop?
Customer: No. If a politician was vocally pro-life and then women's rights became front page news in that term and he suddenly came out as pro-choice... that would be a flip-flop.
Bartender: I get it. He changed his mind without there being any new facts.
Customer: Right.
Bartender: But in that example, wouldn't women's rights becoming front page news be a fact?
Customer: Yes, but not a fact which affects abortion. If the fact was that abortions made women lose weight and he came out in favor of it because of that fact, well, he wouldn't be a flip-flopper.
Bartender: But he would be sleazy.
Customer: Oh, yeah. To the max.
Bartender: Scumbag.
Customer: Lower than camel crap. But back to the problem at hand. With this new power to sway the voting public, and with new infotainment channels dazzling viewers all day and night, it became easy to convince voters to vote against their own best interests... which happened to coincide with the rich CEO's best interests.
Bartender: That's not good.
Customer: Oh, that's very not good. Because as it turns out, what's good for the CEO's is linked to what's good for the normal people. Mess with the balance of the system a little and things get shaken up. Mess with it a lot and it comes down like a house of cards.
Bartender: And the CEO's have been messing with it a lot?
Customer: Like a 10 on the Richter scale.
Bartender: Hoo-boy!
Customer: Yup.
Bartender: Are we in too deep?
Customer: Pretty close.
Bartender: How do we fix it?
Customer: You ask big questions, do you know that?
Bartender: Momma says that, too.
Customer: Well, we can. But it's not going to be easy.
Bartender: Why?
Customer: We'd need to change the system away from capitalism, which motivates the rich to acquire everything in the first place. We need to move to an economy based on serving all people equally.
Bartender: And that would be hard?
Customer: We'd have to restructure everything. We'd have to educate everyone. We'd have to house them, feed them, clothe them and keep them healthy. And we'd have to do it without money.
Bartender: Money makes the world go round.
Customer: It doesn't have to.
Bartender: Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.
Customer: A-gain... it doesn't have to be that way.
Bartender: Money can't buy happiness... but it can buy the kind of misery we prefer.
Customer: My point exactly.
Bartender: What?
Customer: To rid us of misery, rid us of money.
Bartender: How would that work?
Customer: Imagine the problem. To live in a world with money can be done-- we're doing it now. To live in a world without money can also be done-- tribal groups live without currency. But try moving from a world that uses money, into one that doesn't... now that's a challenge.
Bartender: So we can't do it?
Customer: We can. But we have to run them concurrently, gradually increasing one and reducing the other.
Bartender: Seems tricky.
Customer: Sure would be. Some have suggested creating a second infrastructure based on resources and equality-- new mining, new power, new products. Those people who are enrolled in the new system work at jobs without compensation, live in homes that cost nothing and eat foods and wear clothes which are provided in stores for no cost.
Bartender: What stops them from taking everything?
Customer: At first, a simple equivalency chart, where people choose things from a list based on their needs. Soon, people in the system only take what they need naturally. It would feel strange to be selfish knowing it might deprive someone else.
Bartender: Doesn't that assume a basic good in people?
Customer: It does indeed. But fortunately it seems to be true. We know that children learn what we teach them, and learn from their environment. The real potential for this system is in the future generation of people, whom we all strive to make better than ourselves. To do that all parents need guidance and assistance, and all children must be carefully monitored to minimize the negative experiences which, if left to fester, creates negative adults.
Bartender: So, Big Brother?
Customer: More like Nice Mama. Punishment is a behavior of the current world, not the future one. We'd all be working together to make a better world. If you have some kind of problem, you'd be encouraged to speak on it. Counselors would be there to help make things work, regardless of the issue. Imagine if someone had been there to guide you into a field of work which complemented your particular abilities, would you still have been a bartender?
Bartender: Hey! I like talking to people and taking care of them!
Customer: Fantastic! Then who's to say you wouldn't have made a perfect counselor?
Bartender: Hmm...
Customer: Right?
Bartender: Hmm...
Customer: Penny for your thoughts?
Bartender: Here's my thought: Where do I sign up?
Customer: Man, I wish I knew. It hasn't happened yet, as far as I know.
Bartender: If it did, do you think they would even announce it?
Customer: You make a good point! They'd have to keep it quiet, at least in the beginning, or risk getting overrun by people not suited for the system.
Bartender: How would we find them?
Customer: It's possible they'd find us.
Bartender: How do you mean?
Customer: People of a certain personality type, with a certain education, displaying a certain decency might be contacted outright. Maybe there are classes being offered somewhere which appeal to a type of person who would fit into a perfect world like that. In that case volunteers would come to them. Again I say you ask good questions! They may have started this already, and how would I know?
Bartender: If they exist, I'm gonna find them!
Customer: What if they don't exist?
Bartender: Then I'm gonna find a group of like-minded people and start a group.
Man and Woman in a Hotel
Man: (removes jacket and shoes) How was your evening?
Woman: (removes jacket) Same old, same old. Busy. Yours?
Man: You know. Sucks to be me.
Woman: I can imagine. It's no picnic for me either, you know?
Man: (begins removing shirt) I'll bet. There are some rude assholes out there.
Woman: (helps with his buttons) Yeah but... it's not them. I can handle them. It's the stinkers.
Man: The stinkers? Who are the stinkers?
Woman: You know. The... great unwashed.
Man: (unclasps belt, lays it on the floor) Oh. You mean the literal stinkers.
Woman: (unbuttons and unzips his pants) Oh god. I keep air freshener with me at all times.
Man: You'd think they'd take better care of themselves.
Woman: I think they just don't care. They already hate themselves for coming to see me.
Man: (slips out of his pants and kicks them away) Why? You serve an important function. Think of where they would be without you.
Woman: I think they hate me more than they hate you. But the money makes it tolerable. Close your eyes.
Man: Ahhhhhh!
Woman: Mmmmmm.
Man: Wait... let me take these off before they get sticky.
Woman: You are huge!
Man: Beginning to have second thoughts?
Woman: Not a chance. I consider it a challenge.
Man: (slides off her sweater smoothly) Lovely.
Woman: (slipping her skirt off) Get on the bed.
Man: No underwear, huh?
Woman: It gets in the way.
Man: I'll bet.
Woman: (straddling him) E-gad! It's a can of tennis balls.
Man: Don't exaggerate.
Woman: (faint) H-hh-h-hhh-huh! It's a frickin' submarine sandwich!
Man: Urgh.
Woman: Uh! You couldn't pay me to do this.
Man: No. This one's an even exchange.
Woman: Worth it to me. UUHH! Doubly so.
Man: So ...uhh! why'd you choose ...uhh! this particular service ...uhh! industry?
Woman: I already had the skill set. Huhhuhhhuhh! It doesn't last forever, you know. Gah!
Man: But the danger! The risk! Take it you slut!
Woman: That, if you can believe it, go big dog! that was part of the appeal.
Man: I can. That's true in my line as well. Take THAT.
Woman: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Man: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!
Woman: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!
Man: URGH... ahhhhhhhhhhh!
Woman: (panting) Swampy!
Man: (panting) Yup.
Woman: (panting) I wish they were all like you...
Man: You'd go broke. Hell, you'd be broken!
Woman: Then I'd starve... a broken but happy woman.
Man: What will you do down the line? After all this?
Woman: I don't know. Maybe go back to school. But I don't have to think about that now. I'm still in my prime.
Man: I'll say you are! Wanna take a shower?
Woman: Sure. (enters steaming stall) Say, why didn't you just take me in like the others do?
Man: I saw potential in you.
Woman: Well, that's good to hear.
Man: Besides, the paperwork's a killer and you'd be out in 45 minutes.
Woman: Still... that is the job, right?
Man: One of the worst parts of it. Talk about arcane! The guy who wrote that one must have really been a stiff.
Woman: Speaking of stiff...
Man: Gah! You have a good grip.
Woman: Is this big present all for wee little me, Santa?
Man: It sure IS!
Woman: Eeeek!
Man: Here it is AGAIN!
Woman: Ungh! Go, big daddy!
Man: Okay... this feels a little pedophile-ish.
Woman: (in baby talk) Does big big man wan baby girl to wick his big, big sawami?
Man: Stop that!
Woman: What, this? (crouches down)
Man: Dear god, don't stop!
Woman: Don't...!
Man: Stop...! Oh... again...
Woman: Good thing we're in the shower.
Man: Here's the soap.
Woman: I'll just rinse my mouth out.
Man: Hey, what would you have been... you know... if your life had turned out differently?
Woman: A schoolteacher.
Man: Really!
Woman: Yeah. I love kids. How about you?
Man: A rock 'n' roll god.
Woman: That makes sense. Now I understand the tattoo.
Man: I was much younger then... and wanted to be Yngwie Malmsteen...
Woman: TMI.
Man: I guess.
Woman: Life throws us some curve balls, huh?
Man: More like sliding, looping, spiral balls.
Woman: And occasionally, a pair of low hanging...
Man: Don't finish that.
Woman: (exiting shower, getting dressed) So how about now? What other job would you prefer over this one?
Man: Almost any.
Woman: A lot of you guys love the job.
Man: We're not all alike.
Woman: That's for sure. Some of you just don't measure up, like...
Man: La la la la I'm not listening!
Woman: Ha, ha! Kidding. I mean... the power is a real draw for some.
Man: Not for me. I really prefer desk duty.
Woman: Oh? Then our arrangement isn't some sort of power flex on your part?
Man: Ummm...
Woman: Well?
Man: No... but there might have been an... emotional component... to my actions.
Woman: Oh my god... you like me!
Man: (uncomfortably) Well, I gotta get back on the beat.
Woman: Oh, no you don't! Not after an admission like that!
Man: What do you want me to say?
Woman: The truth is a good place to start.
Man: Fine. I... I... have, umm... feelings for you. Okay? I brought you here to get you away from work.
Woman: Felt a little like work.
Man: Hey!
Woman: Well...?
Man: I got a little carried away. Sorry.
Woman: No big. Hmm...
Man: What?
Woman: I'm thinking about making a decision.
Man: What kind of decision?
Woman: I'm considering your proposal.
Man: My proposal? Did I propose?
Woman: Haha. How far away from work did you want to get me?
Man: As far as you want to go.
Woman: Are you gonna join me?
Man: Repeatedly.
Woman: I'm serious.
Man: Thinking about it.
Woman: What about the wife and kids?
Man: You can bring them.
Woman: Funny. Not what I meant.
Man: Yeah, I know. I don't have any.
Woman: Really? So... you're looking to begin one?
Man: Might be nice.
Woman: Big change for both of us.
Man: Yes.
Woman: Okay.
Man: Okay?
Woman: Yes.
Man: What about your job?
Woman: What about it?
Man: Will you stop?
Woman: Why?
Man: Well... should you continue?
Woman: Won't we need money? I have no other skills.
Man: We have my job.
Woman: No offense, but I make eight times what you do.
Man: Oh! Now, that's something to consider.
Woman: It is?
Man: That's a lot of scratch.
Woman: It IS.
Man: There's nothing else you can do?
Woman: Not really.
Man: It would surely be awkward.
Woman: How do you mean?
Man: You in your job and me in mine... married.
Woman: Who said anything about being married?
Man: I... I... just assumed...
Woman: Haha! Joking! I'll marry you, ya big lug. I've had my eye on you.
Man: You have?
Woman: Oh yeah. You've been on this beat awhile.
Man: True.
Woman: You've passed me a bunch.
Man: Really? I don't remember.
Woman: I keep a disguise nearby for when you boys show up.
Man: You do?
Woman: A huge old overcoat and torn straw hat. And a tin cup. I just sit on the ground and shake the cup, head down.
Man: Wait... YOU'RE beggar Joe? That's brilliant!
Woman: Thank you, thank you. Anyway... I can usually see you. From the waist down. Made me hungry.
Man: Thank you, thank you. So what about it?
Woman: What about what?
Man: Would you go to school?
Woman: I'd have to get a diploma first.
Man: You didn't finish high school?
Woman: Or junior high. I'm from the school of street.
Man: Oh.
Woman: What?
Man: Nothing.
Woman: Tell me.
Man: I always wanted my kids to be home schooled.
Woman: Why?
Man: I don't trust the public schools.
Woman: I can see why. They are hell holes. Well, maybe you can teach them.
Man: My job now doesn't require a lot of brains, just obedience. Blind obedience.
Woman: Not great teacher material.
Man: Nope... not so much.
Woman: So what are we to do?
Man: Can we figure it out later?
Woman: That's a lot of figuring.
Man: We'd have to work in different areas. I couldn't patrol the area you work anymore.
Woman: I see. Are you going to transfer?
Man: I wasn't planning on it... why?
Woman: My regulars know where to find me. I'd have to start over if I moved.
Man: That would trim the bacon.
Woman: Sure would.
Man: Well... okay.
Woman: Okay what?
Man: I'll put in for transfer.
Woman: You are one big hunk of sweet, you know that?
Man: You're welcome.
Woman: This might just work out.
Man: Seems that way. You wanna move in with me?
Woman: What do you have?
Man: A one-bedroom fourth-floor walkup on 14th.
Woman: Err... maybe you should live with me.
Man: Is yours better?
Woman: A penthouse suite with a doorman by the park.
Man: Wow.
Woman: I shake off the streets pretty well.
Man: Amen to that. Okay... I can move in with you.
Woman: You sure that's not an ego crusher?
Man: I'm bigger than my ego.
Woman: That's my man!
Man: But one thing...
Woman: What?
Man: I should keep the place.
Woman: What on earth for?
Man: Cover. I have friends from work. Gritty friends from work.
Woman: So bring 'em! Class 'em up a little!
Man: Ummm... they can get a little... messy.
Woman: How messy could they be?
Man: Okay, not messy... more blind drunk. Passing out in their own puke. I keep a hose nearby.
Woman: Oh, wow.
Man: Are you judging?
Woman: No! No judgement. But you keep the place. It's for the best. Puke stains marble.
Man: I did not know that. You have marble floors?
Woman: Yes.
Man: So... shall we start today?
Woman: Can't. I have to wait a little while.
Man: For what?
Woman: Umm... I need to get you approved.
Man: Huh?
Woman: My building has a strict policy.
Man: Against what?
Woman: Certain... occupations.
Man: They would mind my career?
Woman: Hell, yeah.
Man: But why?
Woman: I'm... not the only tenant with my credentials.
Man: Really? How many?
Woman: All of 'em.
Man: There's an entire building dedicated to people in your line of work?
Woman: There are dozens. It's a busy craft.
Man: Wow. I may need to sit down.
Woman: It's the world we live in.
Man: How do you figure?
Woman: Society created the institution of marriage. And then made it monogamous. And because men are... frisky, a lot friskier than their wives, a need arose which brought about my business. And then society made what I do, illegal. Naturally some protections are going to evolve for my work, being as important as our fucked up society made it. So we pooled our money and made these fortress buildings.
Man: Did you say 'fortress' buildings?
Woman: Should the alarm sound, all access to the upper floors is cut off, insulating us from any 'incidents'.
Man: But that would trap you!
Woman: Then there's the escape routes.
Man: Routes? Plural?
Woman: It's all been figured out. Don't worry. I've got a plan to get you in.
Man: Really? What?
Woman: You need a disguise.
Man: What kind of disguise?
Woman: A police uniform.
Man: How would that be a disguise?
Woman: It would be a tearaway uniform.
Man: Like a...?
Woman: That's right. A stripper. A male stripper.
Man: How well do they do?
Woman: Male strippers? They rake it in all right. Why?
Man: My job is dangerous and pays like crap.
Woman: Well... if you're thinking of moving up, I could certainly get you started. And it would help not having to disguise you.
Man: Unbelievable.
Woman: What?
Man: I can't believe the turn this day has taken.
Woman: Unpredictable, right? Another feature of our modern society.
Man: I need to brush up on my dance moves.
Woman: There's an app for that.
copyright 2011 Bruce Ian Friedman
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