If I Were God...

Essay

When I was a little kid, I wanted to be god. Or more accurately, I wanted to be Superman, which to a little kid was about the same thing-- some guy who had great powers who could swoop in and save you. I would have daydreams during class where, as Supergod, I would discover evil lurking about with my super hearing or super vision, beat the crap out of it and fly it to prison.

Kids, huh!

Now a secret... I STILL have that daydream from time to time. When I hear a particularly frustrating news story about some heinous crime, I'll drop right back into wishing I had paranormal abilities. When I was woken by the news of an airplane crashing into the World Trade Center back in 2001, I dreamed furiously about flying in, sucking out the raging fire with my super breath and rescuing all those people from a miserable death. When I heard about hurricane Katrina, I envisioned flying backwards around that eye to slow the circling winds and dissipate the storm.

If only life were that simple.

Today, for better or worse, my thoughts are a little more complex, my solutions a tad more elegant. Rather than clamp down on a problem with the Hand Of God like I would have as a kid, I instead finesse and adjust and compromise, wrangling a solution from a dozen-odd poorly fitted pieces. I perform the task of benevolent bait-and-switch, becoming a celestial scammer for the good of mankind... or at least for my immediate circle of influence.

So if I were god today, things would be different. God is everywhere, knows everything and pulls all the switches that make the universe hum along, so I would find another task worthy of my limitless power.

I would have a press conference.

A Press Conference?! you gasp in astonishment. Of all the possible behaviors a newly omnipotent being might choose to display... giving a press conference hardly seems high on the list! Couldn't you cause world peace, or end human hunger, or repair the environment? What would be the purpose of this madness?

I should think it would be obvious, since you're reading an essay in a blog describing the 'Perfect World'. There can be no perfection while humanity debates which religion has the 'true god', so I would give a press conference to convince all mankind... that I don't exist.

For all of you who think that having god getting up on a stage for all the world to see and exclaiming 'I don't exist' is a poor way to prove he doesn't exist... well, I'd have to agree with you. So it's a good thing that I was being cheeky. Allow me to clarify. I would make it understood to everyone that it doesn't matter if I exist. Additionally, I would make it abundantly clear to all humanity that their current thinking on 'faith' was way off base.

This is what I mean. Right now, many humans are devout believers in god (of one religion or another) and dedicate their lives to the task of proving their faith in order to secure a place in heaven. Their entire lives, their every waking moment is one long god-a-thon. THIS MUST STOP.

Liken the relationship between God and his followers to the one a young child has with his parents and the schools. To the toddler, his parent IS God, for lack of a better term. All his tiny needs are met by them. His parents give him food and shelter, and love and affection, and on rare occasions, a punishment to keep him on the path of right. The school teaches the child to honor his parents, so the child will revere them and ask for their guidance.

Now another example. Let's say the parents are uncommunicative, expressing neither approval nor disapproval of any of the child's actions. What is the child to learn? Without feedback, the child must depend on information coming from the school that taught him, just as a follower who gets no response from god must go to his house of worship for guidance.

Now let's surmise the school is run by exclusively unmarried, childless singles. You can already see that parenting information coming from them might be erroneous or at the very least, guesswork. Well, priest and nuns give information about god to their followers without having any direct knowledge, only the word of scripture to rely on. Often they must 'interpret' the writings to fit current thinking.

That's what I would dispel at this press conference-- all the rumor and innuendo coming from the world's houses of worship who themselves can only interpret the vague wording of books transcribed from the spoken tales of illiterate slaves and shepherds, passed along and modified for thousands of years in an inaccurate game of 'telephone tag'.

Tag along with me in my mind, as I lay out the scene of god's big admission:

The Press Conference

Moderator:

Oyez, oyez! All rise! This, the momentous press conference to the world from our savior and creator of all that is and ever was and ever will be, the exalted, Lord Our God, is now come to order! (Gavel bangs) Please be seated. Your eminence, please.

(moderator shuffles backwards, head bowed, off the stage)

God:

Mister moderator, must we be so formal? It's just pageantry...

after all, I already know what every one of you is thinking!

(audience murmurs worriedly)

You know who I am. You have a thousand different names for me, but if you don't then just call me The Big G, or Daddy G... or even the G-Man! Be creative-- I love it!

(quiet chuckling)

Anyway, I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this press conference.

Well, I think it's import--

Catcaller in Audience:

(snidely) Actually, despite your outward appearance, the flowing robes and lionesque beard notwithstanding, I'm sure all of us would like to be certain you are who you say you are, Mr. God. What assurances can you give us that you are the real deal?

God:

Okay, fair question-- you deserve a demonstration. I already said I knew what you all were thinking. Truly, none of you are content with your own outward appearances. Take a moment to check out the changes I've made in each of you, based on your own, unvoiced desires.

(a shocked gasp comes from the audience as they realize the absurdity of their dreams. The zippers of most of the men have ruptured under the strain of their now behemoth and veiny throbbing phalluses. Several people are experimenting with their new wings and rollerfeet. The women are orgasmically gorgeous and the men perfect and dreamy. One woman heads to the microphone, painfully dragging two Volkswagen-sized breasts behind her)

Woman:

Well, I for one believe you. But is it possible to get my old body back?

(the concerned crowd shouts in agreement)

God:

Of course.

(in a blink, everything is as it was)

Be careful what you wish for, eh?

As I was saying, I think it's important to pass on a little information to you. You have been speculating about me for some time now, and frankly, it's interfering with your development as a sentient race. You spend an inordinate amount of time praying to me for positive outcomes. You war with each other in my name. You put my name on your currency. You swear to me in court. You swear AT me when you smash your finger with a hammer.

(the crowd chuckles; God pauses)

Frankly, it's a little embarrassing... I feel I'm not worthy. Do you know how I view my relationship with MY God?

(the crowd's eyes widen at the realization that God has a God)

Hey, your therapist has a therapist; why should it be any different with me? To me, I like to think of my God as a benevolent parent. He loves me unconditionally and wants me to do my best. He wants me to get along with others and doesn't want me to hurt anyone. He wants to see me respecting others and working with them to achieve lofty goals. He wants me to be happy, regardless of my quirks and fetishes.

He wants to see the best of me.

(God rises and walks amid the crowd. A large and imposing figure, he is taller than anyone around him and seems to have a faint glow, an electric sizzle. Some people start to kneel, but he shakes his head and helps them back to their seat)

And I ask for nothing more or less from you all. It's true I made you all, but I do not want you to stand in awe of me. Do you stand in awe of your parents, the people who truly made you? Of course not. Do your parents want you to build a place for you to worship them? No. Well... maybe a little summer home on a lake wouldn't be so bad...

(the crowd titters)

Okay, okay. Seriously. Do your parents want you to spread the word of their goodness to everyone you meet in a single-minded attempt to force your will upon others? They do not. Do they want you to hurt or kill others who don't believe as you do? Absolutely not. What do they want? It's a pretty short list.

One- they want you to be happy.

Two- they want you to be the best you you can be.

Three- Grandkids. Every parent wants a grandchild.

(laughter)

I'm no different. I see the amazing potential of the human race and I want to see more! But every time a person thinks to stifle the freedom or creativity of another because it jibes with their own line of thought, the human race hiccups a little bit. If enough people stifle others, backwards progress ensues. That's bad for civilization.

When this conference is over and you all return to your lives, you will have some serious thinking to do. There are some hard realities many will have to face. I have a few suggestions to help you over the hurdles and give your lives new meaning.

First, do not be angry at any of your spiritual leaders. Until today, nobody has known the truth... it has all been speculation. If you must be angry at someone, be mad at me.

I could have had this conference long ago.

Don't abandon your houses of worship. Instead rename them 'houses of fellowship' and open their doors to all. Spread knowledge freely inside their walls-- the knowledge of philosophers and dreamers, of pacifists and optimists-- to disperse the myths that have been taught up to this point.

Remember the scientists. Scientists speculate on a solution and work towards proving it. They may spend their entire lives trying to prove it. Then, another lab somewhere DISproves the scientist's theory. What does the scientist do? He accepts the proof and moves on to his next challenge. That's what science is-- finding the truth, whatever the cost.

Those of you with a fundamental perspective to religion may feel as though the rug has been pulled out from under you. I urge you to be the scientist. Accept the proof. Move on to your next challenge.

Remember that, in the most real sense, you are all brothers and sisters. The human race has grown from the primordial soup of early Earth. The genetic material of this entire planet is inextricably linked, so much so that people from opposite corners of the world-- whether experiencing surprise, sorrow, or joy-- make the same facial expressions!

You have made great strides over the centuries and for the first time, the whole planet of people can be fed, given shelter and health care. For the first time, you are ready to put aside the other tools which helped you get to this point in order to adopt the tools of your new enlightenment. Now is the beginning of the Family Of Man.

Abandon the 'teachings' of the bible. It can all be boiled down to a single sentence anyway. Keep the bible and read it as a fascinating account of our ascent into reason, but give up the practice of using it as a guidebook to survival in the 21st century. There are many better books available today to teach you those skills.

Oh, and that sentence the Bible can be boiled down to? You all know it and have had it quoted to you on numerous occasions. It's the Golden Rule--"Whoever has the gold, makes the rules!"

(God pauses as the crowd chuckles uncertainly)

Naaah! I'm just kidding! The golden rule, of course, is to

'Do Unto Others As You Would Have Others Do Unto You'

which is a fancy way of saying BE NICE.

(God saunters back to his seat at the dais and sits down.)

Well, I think I've covered all the important points. You have been a lovely audience. Thank you for coming down. Are there any questions?

(every hand in the room shoots up)

Wow! Every human on Earth just raised their hand! How cool is that? Okay, folks, just think your question.

(God closes his eyes briefly, and when he does, so does everyone else. When they open their eyes a moment later, a collective sigh passes their lips as every question or concern, every doubt or crisis of faith they've ever had receives an answer which is both complete and gratifying, and leaves them with a swelling surge of bliss and serenity. God has disappeared.)

Moderator:

Well, you heard the man! Go on, get home and make a better world!

END OF PRESS CONFERENCE

Well, that's what I would do if I were God.

If there IS a god, that is.

Copyright 2009 Bruce Ian Friedman